Karlie's Thoughts

My brain is like the energizer bunny...

2012-01-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

it keeps going and going and going... I have so much on my mind. I haven't been able to really sit and process much, having a 17 month old really puts a cramp in relaxation/thinking time. If you read my last post you know I am close to graduating!!! I have done a lot of soul searching during my graduate program. I have learned lots about me some good, some bad, some I want to change, some I don't know how to, and some just make me laugh. I am very introvert (most people that know me, know this of course) but this introvertedness has also created a lot of struggles for me. I have difficulty with social situations because I don't have confidence in asking the right questions. I think to much about how others are affected by my thoughts, feelings, questions, responses, etc. I even go as far as to play out how an entire conversation might go, went, or should have gone. I can do this for hours if I let myself. I am good at going into my shell and looking out at the world. My daughter picks up on this though and life needs to change. I realize how I can sit in silence and be content self-exploring but I have been realizing how much this limits my interactions with the world. My daughter is not learning to talk because of my behavior. I don't know how to let go and "be a kid" I can't even figure out how to "play" with my daughter. I want to... but part of me realizes I better at avoiding things too. That's my best coping mechanism...AVOIDANCE. I have perfected the art. It's so unfortunate to realize this then move away from those that might help me work on it. I was seeing an awesome therapist in Utah. I realize I long for that real self-exploration. That hard work that helps me move outside of my comfort zone with confidence in myself. My mom wants me to be confident and I know she would be sad hearing about my lack thereof. My parents taught me to work hard... a great lesson... one I use too well. I work hard but don't know how to play hard. I don't know how to enjoy being a stay at home mom. I miss working at my internship and helping others. That is where I feel like I shine. I feel like that is my lot in life but maybe that's because it's easy. At home, with my daughter, I have to work. I have to force myself out of my depressive state. I have to force myself to talk LOL. I have to learn to play. For those that love being stay at home moms, God blessed you with that amazing gift. For those who don't, I get it. It's a challenge. I have a desire to want to stay home, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my daughter more than life itself. I love her personality (She's luckily her daddy's girl - a go-getter!!!). She is determined, smart, funny, a tease, strong (she will fight to the death... ask those three nurses holding her down for her cath...), perceptive, friendly, ... I could go on and on. She is AMAZING. I know God gave her to me to help me. I hope I can find a way to do the work while still keeping a part of me (somedays I feel like I might go insane... it hasn't happened yet though, I don't think ;D). I hope to be able to find a balance being a mom and a counselor. I hope I can work again after I graduate, take the NCE, and apply for my license. I hope I won't also feel so conflicted. I hope that while God is helping me stretch and grow, he also helps me feel safe and comfortable. I am so blessed that Jason is my husband. I love how he gets me. He doesn't think I'm (too) crazy. He lets me have breakdowns (I've had my share ... most since having Josslyn... giving birth and raising a child sure changed me :( ... wish it hadn't, I miss the old Karlie). He helps me work through my constant thoughts. I definitely miss dates. We were too spoiled before Josslyn... (note to others, 8 years might be too long to wait to have kids... getting to know each other is a must but we were too comfortable in our routine... so Josslyn really through a wrench in that. Luckily, we still have each other and are working together to adapt). Thanks babe for putting up with me lately. I hope to get back to a place where I am more complete and happy with my life. Josslyn's hugs put me in that place... hopefully, I'll find a way to bottle up that feeling and drink it when all the other "fits hit the shan" ... for now... it's off to get the waking toddler... Naps time goes by so fast

I am so excited...

2011-12-29T21:15:00.001-08:00

I just signed up for my final class for my graduate degree. Class starts on January 9th and goes for 10 weeks. After those 10 weeks, I will receive my Master's of Science in Mental Health Counseling!!! I can't believe it's finally here. It's been three years since I signed up for that first course. It's longer than I expected but I moved to three different states and had a baby during those three years so I'm giving myself a break ;D I really just want to take some time to relish in my success and be proud of what I've accomplished!

I do hope to study for and take the NCE (National Counselor Examination) this quarter as well though. After I pass the exam and graduate, I can apply for licensure as an associate mental health therapist in Washington. Then per Washington statute, I have to be supervised for another 3,500 hours before I can be fully licensed as a Mental Health Therapist. Those are the next exciting days to look toward!

Sassafrass Giveaway

2011-01-25T12:58:00.000-08:00

I totally want to share this giveaway (and increase my chances of winning ;D). Kattrina is amazing! Josslyn's newborns and 4 month old (Christmas) pictures were so gorgeous! I will have Kattrina take as many milestone photos as I can afford :) http://www.sassafrassphoto.blogspot.com/

Update!

2010-11-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

Wow! I have a huge update to provide.... I'll start out quick with the rest of the pregnancy. It went pretty well. I stopped feeling sick luckily. I did continue to have bloody noses (weird pregnancy thing) and swelling. I also had the lump on my neck. I had contractions on July 2, July 3, and July 4. Nothing too concerning though. Oh Jason was gone to LDAC from June 18 until July 16. The week of July 19th I started getting really tired and the lump on my neck grew. We went to the ER and were referred to another doctor. That doctor wasn't able to see me until July 29th though. The lump continued to be annoying and caused quite a bit of pain but I didn't have any difficulty swallowing so... they won't do anything at the ER. I was pretty sleepy Friday and Saturday so we didn't do anything really. Then Sunday July 25th I woke up with some contractions but they were pretty sporadic. I went to sacrament meeting then we had the McAllister family dinner so Blake, Kellie, and Ky came over. I ate dinner but then after Kellie, Blake, and Ky left, I started having more intensive contractions. I walked all around the backyard because that seemed to help. The contractions weren't consistent or anything but we tried to time them. Because they were so intense, Jason suggested I call the midwife and see what they suggest. I called and talked with the midwife on call, Andrea. She suggested I try to take a warm bath and go to sleep. I went in and got in the bath but as soon as I had a contraction I had to stand up so Jason helped me out of the bath and into bed. Then I had a contraction in bed and couldn't stand it so I again stood up. I told Jason I would just go walk around the backyard again. Jason came out and suggested we go to the hospital and at least get checked. I didn't want to have to come back home but it was 10:00 and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so I said okay. We let mom know then Jason got my bag and we headed out. He called his parents to let them know we were heading to the hospital too. When we got there two other prego's were checking in. The one finished up and the second person said we could go ahead of her because I must've appeared to be in pain LOL. We checked in and they put us in a room. I had to lay down to get an IV, which was difficult because laying down was so uncomfortable. The nurse tried twice and couldn't get the IV in so she went to get someone else. Jason checked my veins while the nurse was gone and said he could get it but I wouldn't let him. Luckily, the second nurse got the IV in on her first try; otherwise, Jason probably would've done it. They put on the fetal heart monitor and said I was dilated to a 4 so they decided I should stay. I then asked if I could walk around again. The midwife arrived and noticed we didn't have a tub so they swtiched us to another room. She said it seems like I am further along so she checked and said I was dilated to almost a 6. This was only about 45 mintues after they said I was a 4. I continued to dilate through the night. Then at about 3:00 am, I started pushing. My beautiful baby girl was born at 5:32 am July 26. She weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and was 21" long. It was one of the most emotional experiences in my life but looking at my daughter, I know it was all worth it!

Bows!

2010-11-18T11:04:00.001-08:00

Orgill Free Bow Giveaway!

I am trying to win some adorable bows for Josslyn. :D

SLIK's a GIRL!!!!

2010-03-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

My obgyn didn't complete an ultrasound on Feb 17th so we headed over to Fetal Fotos again that afternoon. At first SLIK was curled up again with the feet way up on the forehead but then SLIK began wiggling like crazy... kicking, punching, stretching, etc. It was so fun to see. We even got a DVD with all the movements. The technician was funny cuz she forgot to stop the DVD so it is extra long :) We also found out SLIK is a GIRL!!!! It is exciting to finally know... now maybe we can narrow down some names.

20 Weeks!!!!

2010-03-12T15:14:00.000-08:00

I am half way there!!!!! YAY! I am feeling so much better now... and I am very grateful for that. I can't recall the day it happened but all the sudden I could wake up without feeling like I was going to throw up. It has been one of the greatest feelings. Since the sickness has left, I have also noticed that I am not as tired either. I still have to eat constantly... especially in the morning or I get nauseous but I can deal with that.

I became overwhelmed with all the appointments, work, school, etc so I stopped seeing my therapist. I think I have worked through a lot of the main stressors and I definitely am feeling better. I am sure I will have to go back again but with everything on my plate, it is just too much right now. I have quite a few books to read that will help too. Right now, (as time allows) I am reading Growing Up Again... Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. It is a helpful guide to learning how to be as best a parent as possible.

I still notice a lot of hormonal issues... irritated, ornery, depressed, etc. I am trying to learn when the hormones are a problem in order to find ways to relax or reduce the symptoms. Jason and me are on edge a lot and I feel bad about not being able to communicate as effectively as we normally do. He understands that a lot of it has to do with the pregnancy but it is still hard for him since I am so different than normal. It makes me upset too because I know I am different but I can't seem to help it. That is the worst feeling... I want to be what Jason refers to as "my sweet wife" but my brain doesn't let me. That's still one of the most frustrating parts of this all. It stinks because I always wanted at least two kids but with all these symptoms Jason and me often think maybe SLIK will be an only child...

On March 3, we went to St. Mark's Fetal Medicine for the midtrimester screening. When we arrived for the appointment, the receptionist informed us St. Mark's does not take the insurance we have. AHHHHHH!!!! I had a little melt down but Jason said it would be okay. I found out we need to go to IHC hospitals so I called up and made another appointment for the screening. The new hospital in Murray didn't have an opening until the 17th, which stressed me out but luckily LDS had an appointment for the 10th. On the 10th, we went to the appointment and they completed all the measurements. They said everything looked good. They couldn't see 100% the gender but they agreed that is was most likely a girl. I didn't doubt fetal fotos determination anyway so I am sticking to that! I have an appointment with my ob on the 16th so he can check it out then too.

I am more and more aware of my body and the changes. I don't like everything that is going on and it is hard to get used to the belly. I keep worrying if I am bigger than I should be. It's frustrating because I never thought I was one to obsess over my body size but this pregnancy has shown me otherwise. Jason is so amazing. He tells me I have to grow so the baby can grow but it's such a hard adjustment for me. It makes me feel selfish too. I guess I will just be one of those people that does not think pregnancy is flattering. LOL.

SLIK moves around so much more now. Jason got to feel SLIK move on February 28th!!!! I was excited he could actually feel it finally. He was pretty surprised. I guess she is pretty fiesty cuz I told her kick dad for me and she kicked so hard :) She sits pretty low and I notice I have to go to the bathroom more LOL. All my organs have shifted upward and I have been experiencing a pressure pain near my ribs. It interferes with my sleep because it makes it more difficult to find a comfortable position. I didn't think I would experience this yet since I'm only 4 1/2 months but oh well.

Pregnancy Experiences...

2010-02-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

So life has been crazy and I haven't had time to write down all my thoughts...

I went and got another ultrasound on January 26th (14 1/2 weeks). This time I even got a picture. SLIK (Someone Living in Karlie) is adorable. We could barely hear the heartbeat cuz the doc said the baby is still a little too small. But luckily the ultrasound showed the heart beating steady and fast so that's good news. SLIK was jumping around like crazy. It was so neat to watch but kind of surreal too. I still don't think it has completely sunk in that I am pregnant LOL. Basically, SLIK uses my uterus like a trampoline - Boing Boing A-Boing. :) I asked the doc if that was normal or if I was creating an ADHD kid ;) All that movement is normal so I was glad to hear that.

I noticed the first "kick" about week 15, which was interesting. I kept feeling this bubble popping. It was definitely something different and I've never felt it before. I had Jason feel my stomach but the kicks aren't strong enough for him to feel yet. Since then every once in a while I feel the "hiccups" ~ I don't know how else to describe them. Something is fluttering around in there that's for sure.
On February 3rd, I noticed a lump on the left side of my neck near my collar bone. I called my OB GYN and he suggested I come in and get some thyroid blood work completed. I went in the next day (Thursday the 4th). The doc check the bump and seemed a little concerned. He asked if I wanted to check out the baby right then or wait for the appointment the next day when I would get the blood work results. Since I am a scaredy-cat and I was so nervous I said I'd wait so Jason could be there with me. The doc signed me up for an ultrasound on my neck for the next day too. That night I had a little panic attack about the baby but Jason helped calm me down. The next morning (Friday the 5th), Jason and I went to the appointment and got my blood work back. Everything was normal in my thyroid other than my T3 uptake being slightly low. We got to hear SLIK's heartbeat ~ loud and clear this time! Then we headed over for an ultrasound on my neck. The lady completed the ultrasound and said it looked like a fluid filled cyst not a mass, which is good news!!! Then Monday the 8th, I had an appointment with an ENT. The doctor talked with us about what it could be and scheduled a biopsy. It was scary to hear but also a relief because the doctor let us know this happens in some pregnancies and if it is fluid filled it could go away on its own. The ultrasound results got in on Tuesday and my Ob called me and let me know it is a soft nodule (whew - fluid filled). Then I noticed it started getting smaller. So since it continues to shrink, I am not worried! Plus no needle in my neck - which was making me almost more scared than the lump. Today is Sunday the 14th and it is almost completely gone!!!! YAY!

Friday February 12, Jason took me to Fetal Fotos to see if they could tell us the gender (I am kind of inpatient). The technician showed us the heart beat, the profile, and the spine. Then she looked at the baby's legs and bum. The baby was being shy and SLIK's legs were curled up and crossed so we couldn't get a clear shot. She had me lay on one side, then the other, then walk around. She also jiggled my stomach, which was pretty funny to see on the ultrasound. No such luck but she had one shot were she guesses SLIK is a girl. Interestingly, having me lay on different sides and jiggling my belly made SLIK move around. She showed us SLIK's toes and all the bones. Every once in a while we would see SLIK kick me. I think all the jiggling made SLIK mad LOL. Even though we didn't find out the gender, it was a very fun experience. We get to go back until we find out too (without having to pay again). Next time, she'll print more picts and give us a CD too. We have our prenatal appointment on Wednesday the 17th so we thought we'd go there first before we go back to Fetal Fotos. Then if we find out the gender at the doctor's we can upgrade our package to the 3D pictures. I am very excited to find out especially so I can pick a name.

I have finally been feeling better (YAHOO). I think the morning sickness is pretty much gone. I just have to make sure I eat (constantly ~ especially in the mornings and late at night). I haven't had any cravings (except for restaurants in Virginia LOL but I don't think that's from being pregnant). Now I have been noticing all the growing pains. My back aches quite a bit and I go from the sharp stabbing pains near my groin and hips to the constant dull ache :( But at least I am growing and stretching so SLIK has more room :) I make sure to put lotion/oil on to help with the stretching. I definitely don't want stretch marks so I am trying to reduce those too.

Being pregnant has helped me realized how self-conscious I am about my body too. I struggle with feeling cute since I have a little belly. Jason tells me I have a cute pregnant belly but it is still had to watch the changes. I am trying to stay positive and understand it is necessary for the MIracle of Life.

Despite the struggles, I think this has been an enlightening and insightful experience...and I am so thankful Jason is here to experience everything with me. He is an amazing support! I can't think of a better time in our life to have this experience and I am so glad we waited until now. Life is perfect!

Surgery

2010-01-21T16:27:00.001-08:00

I forgot to mention that on Wednesday Jan 13, Rocky had surgery. He had three masses removed on his right side and was neutered. On Sunday, I noticed some bagging, sagging skin on stomach. Jas said it was full of like liquid. Then on Monday (MLK day), we noticed rock's side was swollen and one of the incisions was leaking. We took him to the vet and found out that this happens 10% of the time. Basically because of the trauma of surgery, his skin and muscles separated so his body sent fluid to repair the area. Luckily, the fluid is healthy plasma but if it doesn't leave the incision site the incisions won't heal. So he's on more pain pills and we have to heat pack it twice a day. Its looking better so we're hoping for the best. Worst case scenario they'd have to put in a drain, which means they'd have to put him under again. We hoping to stay away from that. Poor lil rock!

Pregnancy...

2010-01-20T13:16:00.000-08:00

So I never thought it would happen but it's true...I am actually pregnant. I am currently 13 1/2 weeks and my due date is July 24th! I found out I was prego on Nov 22. Started getting nauseous so I saw the doctor on Nov 30th and got a prescription for nausea. Been sick ever since. On Dec 30th, I saw the doctor again and saw the heartbeat (didn't hear it cuz it's too small). I had decided to wait until the 2nd trimester to tell everyone because the risk of miscarriage decreases. I am still very nervous and every feeling is so intense that I think the nervousness is multiplied by 20 but its out now so...

I have decided morning sickness is one of the WORST feelings ever. I usually handle things okay and I don't complain too much but I keep wondering why people choose to put themselves through this torture. Everyone says it's worth it but honestly after being sick for 2 1/2 months that statement doesn't make me feel any better. You try waking up everday feeling like you have the flu for 2 months then have someone tell you "it'll be worth it" - it really just makes me ornery. Jason's mom bought me a book called Pregnancy Sucks. It's hilarious even though it's true. I'd recommend it to anyone going through pregnancy and feeling miserable.

On top of morning sickness, pregnancy makes me HORMONAL. I am not a hormonal person (even during that time of the month) but get me prego and look out. Even my sister mentioned my orneriness, which means it must be bad. I get irritated easily and feel pretty depressed. Getting up and motivated is hard. But I'm doing it and hopefully I'll be through it all soon.

Since I found out I am pregnant I've been more grateful that I have been seeing a counselor. I think it's definitely been helpful to talk to someone about everything I'm feeling. Sometimes just getting out the irritants once a week helps the next week go a little smoother. Well... stay tune for more pregnancy wooes.

Much Needed Therapy

2009-11-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

I found another psychologist on my insurance provider list and called him up. I went in for the appointment and everything I've been thinking about just came out. It was great! LOL... okay, seriously it was one of the scariest things ever but I told him about my struggles and he provide me with some tools. I have actually been completing my assigned homework too. I am far from better but I am definitely working things through more appropriately, understanding my limitations, and accepting my strengths (which is actually the hardest one for me). So maybe the therapy is really needed as much as I thought after all!

The next thing on my list ~ a relaxing massage! LOL!

Insight Oriented

2009-11-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

As many of you know I am working on my Master's Degree in Mental Health Counseling so that I can become a Licensed Professional Counselor. I love the courses I'm taking and I am learning so much. However, interestingly, the most difficult part of it all is that I am becoming so insightful. This schooling has taught me so much about myself even though it's been hard to analyze my idiosyncrasies. I don't honestly know what I was thinking getting into this field LOL - I mean I should have thought "of course, I'll have to do some self-assessment" but no, that didn't even cross my mind. In fact, I assumed it wasn't about me so much that I forgot to look at how much "me" really plays into it. All this insight-oriented thinking is exhausting and I now see what therapists require of those coming to see them... and man, it's tough.

It's hard to accept our individual faults.
It's hard to realize when you are the problem.
It's hard to share yourself.
It's hard to accept blame and stop blaming everyone else.
It's hard to look at your past, see the mistakes you made, see the mistakes others made, accept that and move on.
It's hard to let go.
It's HARD to change.

Luckily, I now understand that I am affected by my past and present actions ~ immensely. I have MUCH work to do. Even though it's hard, I am so glad I am doing it now!

Through all this exploration, I realized how afraid I've been to accept the truth... I need therapy. Who seriously wants to think they need to see a "shrink"??? In fact, seeing a therapist has such a negative tone in my belief that I've had difficulty even making the call to schedule an appointment with one. I put it out of my mind, pretended I didn't have all this insight, and tried to forget about it. But life isn't like that and of course it's crept up on me. So here I am... it's staring me in the face. What do I do??? Do I give in to my belief and shy away from therapy or do I accept that I can't do this alone and find someone to talk to?

Luckily, I've taken baby steps... I've been thinking about this for couple weeks and during that time I looked up mental health providers with my insurance. I then googled those names. I found a presentation online by one of the psychologists and listened to it. She is smart, interesting, and funny. She really knows what she is talking about. Well... today I gathered up my courage and called her to schedule an appointment. Can you believe it? I was very pleased with myself. She didn't answer but I still left a message. Well, she called me back and guess what she's swamped. So it's back to square one. I don't plan on completely giving up... not yet anyway. I'll find someone else on my insurance list and hopefully I'll gather enough courage to once again make that call. I just pray they can fit me in...

Why I started this...

2009-10-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

I decided to maintain a blog for my thoughts... kinda like an online journal because I think I have pretty good insight into myself. Hope you enjoy.