My brain is like the energizer bunny...

it keeps going and going and going... I have so much on my mind.  I haven't been able to really sit and process much, having a 17 month old really puts a cramp in relaxation/thinking time.  If you read my last post you know I am close to graduating!!! I have done a lot of soul searching during my graduate program.  I have learned lots about me some good, some bad, some I want to change, some I don't know how to, and some just make me laugh.  I am very introvert (most people that know me, know this of course) but this introvertedness has also created a lot of struggles for me.  I have difficulty with social situations because I don't have confidence in asking the right questions.  I think to much about how others are affected by my thoughts, feelings, questions, responses, etc.  I even go as far as to play out how an entire conversation might go, went, or should have gone.  I can do this for hours if I let myself.  I am good at going into my shell and looking out at the world.  My daughter picks up on this though and life needs to change.  I realize how I can sit in silence and be content self-exploring but I have been realizing how much this limits my interactions with the world.  My daughter is not learning to talk because of my behavior.  I don't know how to let go and "be a kid"  I can't even figure out how to "play" with my daughter.  I want to... but part of me realizes I better at avoiding things too.  That's my best coping mechanism...AVOIDANCE.  I have perfected the art.  It's so unfortunate to realize this then move away from those that might help me work on it.  I was seeing an awesome therapist in Utah.  I realize I long for that real self-exploration.  That hard work that helps me move outside of my comfort zone with confidence in myself.  My mom wants me to be confident and I know she would be sad hearing about my lack thereof.  My parents taught me to work hard... a great lesson... one I use too well.  I work hard but don't know how to play hard.  I don't know how to enjoy being a stay at home mom.  I miss working at my internship and helping others.  That is where I feel like I shine.  I feel like that is my lot in life but maybe that's because it's easy.  At home, with my daughter, I have to work.  I have to force myself out of my depressive state.  I have to force myself to talk LOL.  I have to learn to play.  For those that love being stay at home moms, God blessed you with that amazing gift.  For those who don't, I get it.  It's a challenge.  I have a desire to want to stay home, don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my daughter more than life itself.  I love her personality (She's luckily her daddy's girl - a go-getter!!!).  She is determined, smart, funny, a tease, strong (she will fight to the death... ask those three nurses holding her down for her cath...), perceptive, friendly, ... I could go on and on.  She is AMAZING.  I know God gave her to me to help me.  I hope I can find a way to do the work while still keeping a part of me (somedays I feel like I might go insane... it hasn't happened yet though, I don't think ;D).  I hope to be able to find a balance being a mom and a counselor.  I hope I can work again after I graduate, take the NCE, and apply for my license.  I hope I won't also feel so conflicted.  I hope that while God is helping me stretch and grow, he also helps me feel safe and comfortable.  I am so blessed that Jason is my husband.  I love how he gets me.  He doesn't think I'm (too) crazy.  He lets me have breakdowns (I've had my share ... most since having Josslyn... giving birth and raising a child sure changed me :( ... wish it hadn't, I miss the old Karlie).  He helps me work through my constant thoughts.  I definitely miss dates.  We were too spoiled before Josslyn... (note to others, 8 years might be too long to wait to have kids... getting to know each other is a must but we were too comfortable in our routine... so Josslyn really through a wrench in that.  Luckily, we still have each other and are working together to adapt).  Thanks babe for putting up with me lately.  I hope to get back to a place where I am more complete and happy with my life.  Josslyn's hugs put me in that place... hopefully, I'll find a way to bottle up that feeling and drink it when all the other "fits hit the shan" ... for now... it's off to get the waking toddler... Naps time goes by so fast

I am so excited...

I just signed up for my final class for my graduate degree. Class starts on January 9th and goes for 10 weeks. After those 10 weeks, I will receive my Master's of Science in Mental Health Counseling!!! I can't believe it's finally here. It's been three years since I signed up for that first course. It's longer than I expected but I moved to three different states and had a baby during those three years so I'm giving myself a break ;D I really just want to take some time to relish in my success and be proud of what I've accomplished!

I do hope to study for and take the NCE (National Counselor Examination) this quarter as well though. After I pass the exam and graduate, I can apply for licensure as an associate mental health therapist in Washington. Then per Washington statute, I have to be supervised for another 3,500 hours before I can be fully licensed as a Mental Health Therapist. Those are the next exciting days to look toward!

Sassafrass Giveaway

I totally want to share this giveaway (and increase my chances of winning ;D).  Kattrina is amazing!  Josslyn's newborns and 4 month old (Christmas) pictures were so gorgeous!  I will have Kattrina take as many milestone photos as I can afford :) http://www.sassafrassphoto.blogspot.com/

Update!

Wow!  I have a huge update to provide....  I'll start out quick with the rest of the pregnancy.  It went pretty well.  I stopped feeling sick luckily.  I did continue to have bloody noses (weird pregnancy thing) and swelling.  I also had the lump on my neck.  I had contractions on July 2, July 3, and July 4.  Nothing too concerning though.  Oh Jason was gone to LDAC from June 18 until July 16.  The week of July 19th I started getting really tired and the lump on my neck grew.  We went to the ER and were referred to another doctor.  That doctor wasn't able to see me until July 29th though.  The lump continued to be annoying and caused quite a bit of pain but I didn't have any difficulty swallowing so... they won't do anything at the ER.  I was pretty sleepy Friday and Saturday so we didn't do anything really.  Then Sunday July 25th I woke up with some contractions but they were pretty sporadic.  I went to sacrament meeting then we had the McAllister family dinner so Blake, Kellie, and Ky came over.  I ate dinner but then after Kellie, Blake, and Ky left, I started having more intensive contractions.  I walked all around the backyard because that seemed to help.  The contractions weren't consistent or anything but we tried to time them.  Because they were so intense, Jason suggested I call the midwife and see what they suggest.  I called and talked with the midwife on call, Andrea.  She suggested I try to take a warm bath and go to sleep.  I went in and got in the bath but as soon as I had a contraction I had to stand up so Jason helped me out of the bath and into bed.  Then I had a contraction in bed and couldn't stand it so I again stood up.  I told Jason I would just go walk around the backyard again.  Jason came out and suggested we go to the hospital and at least get checked.  I didn't want to have to come back home but it was 10:00 and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so I said okay.  We let mom know then Jason got my bag and we headed out.  He called his parents to let them know we were heading to the hospital too.  When we got there two other prego's were checking in.  The one finished up and the second person said we could go ahead of her because I must've appeared to be in pain LOL.  We checked in and they put us in a room.  I had to lay down to get an IV, which was difficult because laying down was so uncomfortable.  The nurse tried twice and couldn't get the IV in so she went to get someone else.  Jason checked my veins while the nurse was gone and said he could get it but I wouldn't let him. Luckily, the second nurse got the IV in on her first try; otherwise, Jason probably would've done it.  They put on the fetal heart monitor and said I was dilated to a 4 so they decided I should stay.  I then asked if I could walk around again.  The midwife arrived and noticed we didn't have a tub so they swtiched us to another room.  She said it seems like I am further along so she checked and said I was dilated to almost a 6.  This was only about 45 mintues after they said I was a 4.  I continued to dilate through the night.  Then at about 3:00 am, I started pushing.  My beautiful baby girl was born at 5:32 am July 26.  She weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and was 21" long.  It was one of the most emotional experiences in my life but looking at my daughter, I know it was all worth it!

Bows!

Orgill Free Bow Giveaway!

I am trying to win some adorable bows for Josslyn.  :D

SLIK's a GIRL!!!!

My obgyn didn't complete an ultrasound on Feb 17th so we headed over to Fetal Fotos again that afternoon. At first SLIK was curled up again with the feet way up on the forehead but then SLIK began wiggling like crazy... kicking, punching, stretching, etc. It was so fun to see. We even got a DVD with all the movements. The technician was funny cuz she forgot to stop the DVD so it is extra long :) We also found out SLIK is a GIRL!!!! It is exciting to finally know... now maybe we can narrow down some names.

20 Weeks!!!!

I am half way there!!!!!  YAY!  I am feeling so much better now... and I am very grateful for that.  I can't recall the day it happened but all the sudden I could wake up without feeling like I was going to throw up.  It has been one of the greatest feelings.  Since the sickness has left, I have also noticed that I am not as tired either.  I still have to eat constantly... especially in the morning or I get nauseous but I can deal with that.

I became overwhelmed with all the appointments, work, school, etc so I stopped seeing my therapist.  I think I have worked through a lot of the main stressors and I definitely am feeling better.  I am sure I will have to go back again but with everything on my plate, it is just too much right now.  I have quite a few books to read that will help too.  Right now, (as time allows) I am reading Growing Up Again... Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children.  It is a helpful guide to learning how to be as best a parent as possible. 

I still notice a lot of hormonal issues... irritated, ornery, depressed, etc.  I am trying to learn when the hormones are a problem in order to find ways to relax or reduce the symptoms.  Jason and me are on edge a lot and I feel bad about not being able to communicate as effectively as we normally do.  He understands that a lot of it has to do with the pregnancy but it is still hard for him since I am so different than normal.  It makes me upset too because I know I am different but I can't seem to help it.  That is the worst feeling... I want to be what Jason refers to as "my sweet wife" but my brain doesn't let me.  That's still one of the most frustrating parts of this all.  It stinks because I always wanted at least two kids but with all these symptoms Jason and me often think maybe SLIK will be an only child... 

On March 3, we went to St. Mark's Fetal Medicine for the midtrimester screening.  When we arrived for the appointment, the receptionist informed us St. Mark's does not take the insurance we have.  AHHHHHH!!!!  I had a little melt down but Jason said it would be okay.  I found out we need to go to IHC hospitals so I called up and made another appointment for the screening.  The new hospital in Murray didn't have an opening until the 17th, which stressed me out but luckily LDS had an appointment for the 10th.  On the 10th, we went to the appointment and they completed all the measurements.  They said everything looked good.  They couldn't see 100% the gender but they agreed that is was most likely a girl.  I didn't doubt fetal fotos determination anyway so I am sticking to that!  I have an appointment with my ob on the 16th so he can check it out then too.

I am more and more aware of my body and the changes.  I don't like everything that is going on and it is hard to get used to the belly.  I keep worrying if I am bigger than I should be.  It's frustrating because I never thought I was one to obsess over my body size but this pregnancy has shown me otherwise.  Jason is so amazing.  He tells me I have to grow so the baby can grow but it's such a hard adjustment for me.  It makes me feel selfish too.  I guess I will just be one of those people that does not think pregnancy is flattering. LOL.

SLIK moves around so much more now.  Jason got to feel SLIK move on February 28th!!!!  I was excited he could actually feel it finally.  He was pretty surprised.  I guess she is pretty fiesty cuz I told her kick dad for me and she kicked so hard :)  She sits pretty low and I notice I have to go to the bathroom more LOL.  All my organs have shifted upward and I have been experiencing a pressure pain near my ribs.  It interferes with my sleep because it makes it more difficult to find a comfortable position.  I didn't think I would experience this yet since I'm only 4 1/2 months but oh well.