Surgery

I forgot to mention that on Wednesday Jan 13, Rocky had surgery. He had three masses removed on his right side and was neutered. On Sunday, I noticed some bagging, sagging skin on stomach. Jas said it was full of like liquid. Then on Monday (MLK day), we noticed rock's side was swollen and one of the incisions was leaking. We took him to the vet and found out that this happens 10% of the time. Basically because of the trauma of surgery, his skin and muscles separated so his body sent fluid to repair the area. Luckily, the fluid is healthy plasma but if it doesn't leave the incision site the incisions won't heal. So he's on more pain pills and we have to heat pack it twice a day. Its looking better so we're hoping for the best. Worst case scenario they'd have to put in a drain, which means they'd have to put him under again. We hoping to stay away from that. Poor lil rock!

Pregnancy...

So I never thought it would happen but it's true...I am actually pregnant.  I am currently 13 1/2 weeks and my due date is July 24th!  I found out I was prego on Nov 22.  Started getting nauseous so I saw the doctor on Nov 30th and got a prescription for nausea.  Been sick ever since.  On Dec 30th, I saw the doctor again and saw the heartbeat (didn't hear it cuz it's too small).  I had decided to wait until the 2nd trimester to tell everyone because the risk of miscarriage decreases.  I am still very nervous and every feeling is so intense that I think the nervousness is multiplied by 20 but its out now so...   

I have decided morning sickness is one of the WORST feelings ever.  I usually handle things okay and I don't complain too much but I keep wondering why people choose to put themselves through this torture. Everyone says it's worth it but honestly after being sick for 2 1/2 months that statement doesn't make me feel any better. You try waking up everday feeling like you have the flu for 2 months then have someone tell you "it'll be worth it" - it really just makes me ornery. Jason's mom bought me a book called Pregnancy Sucks. It's hilarious even though it's true. I'd recommend it to anyone going through pregnancy and feeling miserable.

On top of morning sickness, pregnancy makes me HORMONAL.  I am not a hormonal person (even during that time of the month) but get me prego and look out.  Even my sister mentioned my orneriness, which means it must be bad.  I get irritated easily and feel pretty depressed.  Getting up and motivated is hard.  But I'm doing it and hopefully I'll be through it all soon.

Since I found out I am pregnant I've been more grateful that I have been seeing a counselor.  I think it's definitely been helpful to talk to someone about everything I'm feeling.  Sometimes just getting out the irritants once a week helps the next week go a little smoother.  Well... stay tune for more pregnancy wooes.

Much Needed Therapy

I found another psychologist on my insurance provider list and called him up.  I went in for the appointment and everything I've been thinking about just came out.  It was great!  LOL... okay, seriously it was one of the scariest things ever but I told him about my struggles and he provide me with some tools.  I have actually been completing my assigned homework too.  I am far from better but I am definitely working things through more appropriately, understanding my limitations, and accepting my strengths (which is actually the hardest one for me).  So maybe the therapy is really needed as much as I thought after all!

The next thing on my list ~ a relaxing massage! LOL!

Insight Oriented

As many of you know I am working on my Master's Degree in Mental Health Counseling so that I can become a Licensed Professional Counselor.  I love the courses I'm taking and I am learning so much.  However, interestingly, the most difficult part of it all is that I am becoming so insightful.  This schooling has taught me so much about myself even though it's been hard to analyze my idiosyncrasies.  I don't honestly know what I was thinking getting into this field LOL - I mean I should have thought "of course, I'll have to do some self-assessment" but no, that didn't even cross my mind.  In fact, I assumed it wasn't about me so much that I forgot to look at how much "me" really plays into it.  All this insight-oriented thinking is exhausting and I now see what therapists require of those coming to see them... and man, it's tough. 

• It's hard to accept our individual faults. 
• It's hard to realize when you are the problem. 
• It's hard to share yourself. 
• It's hard to accept blame and stop blaming everyone else. 
• It's hard to look at your past, see the mistakes you made, see the mistakes others made, accept that and move on. 
• It's hard to let go. 
• It's HARD to change. 

Luckily, I now understand that I am affected by my past and present actions ~ immensely.  I have MUCH work to do.  Even though it's hard, I am so glad I am doing it now! 


Through all this exploration, I realized how afraid I've been to accept the truth... I need therapy.  Who seriously wants to think they need to see a "shrink"???  In fact, seeing a therapist has such a negative tone in my belief that I've had difficulty even making the call to schedule an appointment with one.  I put it out of my mind, pretended I didn't have all this insight, and tried to forget about it.  But life isn't like that and of course it's crept up on me.  So here I am... it's staring me in the face.  What do I do???  Do I give in to my belief and shy away from therapy or do I accept that I can't do this alone and find someone to talk to? 


Luckily, I've taken baby steps... I've been thinking about this for couple weeks and during that time I looked up mental health providers with my insurance.  I then googled those names.  I found a presentation online by one of the psychologists and listened to it.  She is smart, interesting, and funny.  She really knows what she is talking about.  Well... today I gathered up my courage and called her to schedule an appointment.  Can you believe it?  I was very pleased with myself.  She didn't answer but I still left a message.  Well, she called me back and guess what she's swamped.  So it's back to square one.  I don't plan on completely giving up... not yet anyway.  I'll find someone else on my insurance list and hopefully I'll gather enough courage to once again make that call.  I just pray they can fit me in...

Why I started this...

I decided to maintain a blog for my thoughts... kinda like an online journal because I think I have pretty good insight into myself.  Hope you enjoy.