My brain is like the energizer bunny...

it keeps going and going and going... I have so much on my mind.  I haven't been able to really sit and process much, having a 17 month old really puts a cramp in relaxation/thinking time.  If you read my last post you know I am close to graduating!!! I have done a lot of soul searching during my graduate program.  I have learned lots about me some good, some bad, some I want to change, some I don't know how to, and some just make me laugh.  I am very introvert (most people that know me, know this of course) but this introvertedness has also created a lot of struggles for me.  I have difficulty with social situations because I don't have confidence in asking the right questions.  I think to much about how others are affected by my thoughts, feelings, questions, responses, etc.  I even go as far as to play out how an entire conversation might go, went, or should have gone.  I can do this for hours if I let myself.  I am good at going into my shell and looking out at the world.  My daughter picks up on this though and life needs to change.  I realize how I can sit in silence and be content self-exploring but I have been realizing how much this limits my interactions with the world.  My daughter is not learning to talk because of my behavior.  I don't know how to let go and "be a kid"  I can't even figure out how to "play" with my daughter.  I want to... but part of me realizes I better at avoiding things too.  That's my best coping mechanism...AVOIDANCE.  I have perfected the art.  It's so unfortunate to realize this then move away from those that might help me work on it.  I was seeing an awesome therapist in Utah.  I realize I long for that real self-exploration.  That hard work that helps me move outside of my comfort zone with confidence in myself.  My mom wants me to be confident and I know she would be sad hearing about my lack thereof.  My parents taught me to work hard... a great lesson... one I use too well.  I work hard but don't know how to play hard.  I don't know how to enjoy being a stay at home mom.  I miss working at my internship and helping others.  That is where I feel like I shine.  I feel like that is my lot in life but maybe that's because it's easy.  At home, with my daughter, I have to work.  I have to force myself out of my depressive state.  I have to force myself to talk LOL.  I have to learn to play.  For those that love being stay at home moms, God blessed you with that amazing gift.  For those who don't, I get it.  It's a challenge.  I have a desire to want to stay home, don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my daughter more than life itself.  I love her personality (She's luckily her daddy's girl - a go-getter!!!).  She is determined, smart, funny, a tease, strong (she will fight to the death... ask those three nurses holding her down for her cath...), perceptive, friendly, ... I could go on and on.  She is AMAZING.  I know God gave her to me to help me.  I hope I can find a way to do the work while still keeping a part of me (somedays I feel like I might go insane... it hasn't happened yet though, I don't think ;D).  I hope to be able to find a balance being a mom and a counselor.  I hope I can work again after I graduate, take the NCE, and apply for my license.  I hope I won't also feel so conflicted.  I hope that while God is helping me stretch and grow, he also helps me feel safe and comfortable.  I am so blessed that Jason is my husband.  I love how he gets me.  He doesn't think I'm (too) crazy.  He lets me have breakdowns (I've had my share ... most since having Josslyn... giving birth and raising a child sure changed me :( ... wish it hadn't, I miss the old Karlie).  He helps me work through my constant thoughts.  I definitely miss dates.  We were too spoiled before Josslyn... (note to others, 8 years might be too long to wait to have kids... getting to know each other is a must but we were too comfortable in our routine... so Josslyn really through a wrench in that.  Luckily, we still have each other and are working together to adapt).  Thanks babe for putting up with me lately.  I hope to get back to a place where I am more complete and happy with my life.  Josslyn's hugs put me in that place... hopefully, I'll find a way to bottle up that feeling and drink it when all the other "fits hit the shan" ... for now... it's off to get the waking toddler... Naps time goes by so fast