Insight Oriented

As many of you know I am working on my Master's Degree in Mental Health Counseling so that I can become a Licensed Professional Counselor.  I love the courses I'm taking and I am learning so much.  However, interestingly, the most difficult part of it all is that I am becoming so insightful.  This schooling has taught me so much about myself even though it's been hard to analyze my idiosyncrasies.  I don't honestly know what I was thinking getting into this field LOL - I mean I should have thought "of course, I'll have to do some self-assessment" but no, that didn't even cross my mind.  In fact, I assumed it wasn't about me so much that I forgot to look at how much "me" really plays into it.  All this insight-oriented thinking is exhausting and I now see what therapists require of those coming to see them... and man, it's tough. 

• It's hard to accept our individual faults. 
• It's hard to realize when you are the problem. 
• It's hard to share yourself. 
• It's hard to accept blame and stop blaming everyone else. 
• It's hard to look at your past, see the mistakes you made, see the mistakes others made, accept that and move on. 
• It's hard to let go. 
• It's HARD to change. 

Luckily, I now understand that I am affected by my past and present actions ~ immensely.  I have MUCH work to do.  Even though it's hard, I am so glad I am doing it now! 


Through all this exploration, I realized how afraid I've been to accept the truth... I need therapy.  Who seriously wants to think they need to see a "shrink"???  In fact, seeing a therapist has such a negative tone in my belief that I've had difficulty even making the call to schedule an appointment with one.  I put it out of my mind, pretended I didn't have all this insight, and tried to forget about it.  But life isn't like that and of course it's crept up on me.  So here I am... it's staring me in the face.  What do I do???  Do I give in to my belief and shy away from therapy or do I accept that I can't do this alone and find someone to talk to? 


Luckily, I've taken baby steps... I've been thinking about this for couple weeks and during that time I looked up mental health providers with my insurance.  I then googled those names.  I found a presentation online by one of the psychologists and listened to it.  She is smart, interesting, and funny.  She really knows what she is talking about.  Well... today I gathered up my courage and called her to schedule an appointment.  Can you believe it?  I was very pleased with myself.  She didn't answer but I still left a message.  Well, she called me back and guess what she's swamped.  So it's back to square one.  I don't plan on completely giving up... not yet anyway.  I'll find someone else on my insurance list and hopefully I'll gather enough courage to once again make that call.  I just pray they can fit me in...